Class Report Jan. 11nth, 2010: Nope, they are still bad!

My students pulled the wool over my eyes big time last week. I thought I was actually making some headway with them, curing them of their emotional problems through my expert behavior management techniques and unmatched charm. They behaved so well last week! Turns out, they were just toying with me.
It all started when John, the 215 pound nine year old, refused to do his reading lesson since he had to go 1st. Shockingly, offering him a snack didn't work. I resorted to threats; claiming that I would take away all of his computer time if he did not immediately comply. He yelled and begrudgingly oozed to my desk for his reading lesson. After we finished, he went to his computer for 15 minutes of free time, and I asked Ricky to come for his reading lesson. Soon after Ricky and I began the lesson, John turned the volume all the way up on the computer; he wanted to make sure it was impossible for Ricky and I to get into the lesson. So, I got up, walked over to John and gave him three options: 1) Turn the volume all the way down and obey computer station rules 2) Go cool off in time-out 3) Go back to his desk and put his head down. John chose option 4) Smash the mouse down on the desk, try to rip the cord out of the mouse, try to rip the internet cord out of the wall, fight his teacher as his teacher tried to defend the innocent school property. I was unaware that I gave him that fourth option. This altercation ended with me restraining him to the floor as he tried to punch my face. I'm convinced that this is the strongest nine year old on the planet. After John calmed down, did his timeout, he was much, much better and even apologized.
Then it was Nikki's turn. On the playground she kept taking the boy's football and trying to throw it over the playground fence and onto the street. I had to give her a timeout on a playground bench. Once on the bench, she cursed out whoever passed her, using choice words like "fag" and "gay". Recess had to be cut short due to her inglorious behavior. After a whole lot of complaining and threatening to kill Nikki for making us come in early, I got the boys settled down and Nikki in timeout. She swore at, cursed at, screamed at and threatened everyone she could think of, even her mailman! - I'm not too sure what her beef with him is.
All this happened after an early morning conversation between Nikki and John, about Jesus, in which Nikki claimed that Jesus hears your swear words and will punish you for each one once you die. She also said that Satan lives in "the hot place" which she would rather not go to when she dies. The last revelation that Nikki proclaimed was that bad kids "burn up" all the time, everyday in hell. The saddest part of it is that her mother tells her these things to try to keep her in line. I understand it is very hard to keep this child in line, but can't a grown up think of something other than a line from Dante's Inferno?